A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he
walks down to the store only to find it closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and
starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their
fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum
powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw
this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"
Submitted by Delrose
Man vs Pregnant Lady
From an actual trial in London ...
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
She had him arrested for harassment and when the case
came before the court this was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a manner, "When the lady
boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon
The Gold Dust Twins"; then she moved under one that
read "Sloan's Liniments remove Swelling". I was even
more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement, which read "Dunlop Rubber
would have prevented this accident".
He won the case. Submitted by Woody
Men & Their Families
An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking
about their families. The Englishman said, "I have ten
kids at home and if I had another one I would have a
soccer team!" "Well," said the American guy, "I have
fifteen kids at home and if I had another one I would
have a football team!" "Well," said the Arabic guy,
"I have seventeen wives at home and if I had another
one I would have a golf course." Submitted by Woody
Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in
A: They both have black boxes. Submitted
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells
at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies. "We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank."
"Don't you argue with me! Open the damn safe or I'll blow your friggin' head off!"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of
the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She takes the cap off and reluctantly gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too." he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.
He says "Not that fucking difficult, is it?" Submitted
Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single
heiress decided to take out a personal ad.
"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman
wants man for quiet liaisons," she wrote, then sat by the
mailbox and waited for a response.
Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she
received an express-mail reply. Her heart thumping in her
throat, she tore open the envelope.
Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "So? Who's it from?"
Her expression dour, the young woman replied, "Daddy..."
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and
gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his
fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and
jumped out of the car.
"I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!"
And I've got just tow words for you," Roger screamed back.
It's good to be a guy because:
Your orgasms are real. Always.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You never feel the need to wash your underwear out simply because they
are "slightly soiled."
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. Submitted
A man came home from work one day and gave his wife a
dozen yellow roses. The next day, his wife was hanging clothes in the back garden talking to the
neighbor lady over the fence. "Yesterday", says she, "the ol' man gave me a dozen yellow roses, and now I
suppose he expects me to lay on my back with my legs in the air for a week!" "Why?" replied the neighbor, "don't you have a vase?"
Q: What do the female
reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve?
A: They go into town, and
blow a few bucks.
A sweet young thing thought
she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party,
so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," he immediately replied. "No wonder you look so
uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch.
"It's only 2014 now."
A foursome was waiting at
the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit
the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten
feet. She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically, "I guess
all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help" One of the men
immediately replied, "No, you see there's your problem. You should have
been taking golf lessons instead."
A husband and wife were
shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow.
What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband
replied, "How about a chair?"
The young hooker reports for
her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, " Do you have any
questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long
penises should be sucked?" The madam says," The same as the short
A young boy asked his
mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such that?" replied his mother. The
young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the
phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you
around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the
casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United
States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind
of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same
old stuff - church, church, church."
A lady walks into this diner
sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge woman
behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even
bigger and more disgusting, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a
huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few
times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says,
"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress
replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when
he makes the doughnuts."
An old man goes to the
Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last
40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without
hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
This old fellow in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said "Where are you going ?"
He said "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her
sweater and he said "Where are you going?"
She said "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot..."
Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Without them they'd just talk in run-on sentences...
blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her
milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt
there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he
knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the
milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean
15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm
going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman
asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my Tits. Submitted
Canadian Joke #1
A Canadian is walking down the street with a
case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey
Bob! Whacha got the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!"
exclaims Doug, "Good trade." Submitted
Canadian Joke #2
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling
the pins and throwing them back. Submitted
Canadian Joke #3
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service
for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman. Submitted
Canadian Joke #5
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian.
Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed one in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him
in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked
the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU
So ... the other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies NightClub." One
of my friends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "male
dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and pastes it on his butt
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back
over, licks the $20 bill and pastes it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50
bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again pastes it
on one of his butt cheeks.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute .. and then the practical woman in me took over.
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80
bucks and went home. Submitted
In a little Italian village a man and his wife of 50
years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped,
grabbed her cane and she wacked her husband across his shins as hard as she
could. He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he
gasped, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "That's for 50 years
of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly, husband and
wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane
and he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could. When her eyes quit
tearing and the pain subsided so that she could speak, she asked, "What was
that for?" "That's for knowing the difference." Submitted
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room
with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how
long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's
at least 14."
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,
"Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man
responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by
Michael Jackson & Tonya Harding
Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin
training racehorses together? A: She's gonna do all the handicapping and he's
gonna ride all the three-year-olds! Submitted
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the
trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the
ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face
sticky." Submitted by
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed
at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she
sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses.
Now I'll have to kill you too."
A few months after his parents were divorced, little
Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning,
"I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her
moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little
Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"
A young couple drove several miles down a country
road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and
neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and
pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Recently my daughter asked me "Dad, do you know what the four types of
orgasm are?" I didn't. "Positive, negative, religious, and fake."
"Okay." I smiled, not sure I wanted to learn more. "Aren't you
going to ask how to tell them apart?" "All right, how do you tell them
apart?" "The positive orgasm is, 'Oh yes! Oh yes!' The negative orgasm
is, 'Oh no! Oh no!' The religious orgasm is, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And the
fake orgasm is, 'Oh George! Oh George!'"
At his wedding reception, the young
groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said, "The secret to
enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times,
respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That
way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has."
Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then
when you get older, granddad?" His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled
and replied, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"
A woman dies and goes to heaven. She
arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.
There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just
then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks.
"Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just
someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their
halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one
even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!"
she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly,
"It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be
fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you
going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the
same to you," says the woman. "But you can't go there," says the
saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the
already got the holes for that." Submitted
To the blonde he said "I am the
President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend
some time with you?" The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it
will cost $500."
To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all
the time you want for $1,000." To the Brunette: When he approached the
brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my
skirt as high as you've raised my taxes and can get your pants as low as my
wages and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well
as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"
Signs That You Are Broke
American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then rob Paul
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
Sally Struthers sends you food.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
A very well-built young blond was lying
on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried
to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a
sales clerk and I failed at that too." The shrink
thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying
life. Why don't you try nursing?" The girl thinks
about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the
shrink, and says, ... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
Q. What do you call a man in a tiger's cage?
A girl goes to the doctor and takes off
her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H."
The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the
girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school
that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her
shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How
did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My
boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off
his sweatshirt, even when we're making
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her
shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks,
"Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies,
"No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself
whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol.
Then he went home to try the doctor's advice. When he got home, he found his
wife waiting for him on their bed... naked! So he ripped off his clothes
and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the
"69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so
he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
The next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He
said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife
crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the
closet with his hands in the air!" Submitted
Storming into his lawyer's office, a
Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his
new bride. "What's the problem?", asked the lawyer. "I want to
hit that adulterin' witch for breach of contract," says the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer. "I mean
your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her." "Damn
right," the tycoon replied, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive
A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin
?" Friend tells him, "You have to wait till you wedding night, you
show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If
she says it's a cock, she's been around." So the guy gets married, and in
the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?"
"That's a penis!" she replies. "Great," he sighs, "I
thought you were going to call it a cock." "Of course not! A cock is
twice as big!!"
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if
you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then said, "I'd break his cane and kick his
seeing-eye dog in the ass."
The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around,
then approached the clerk. "Do you have any, like, real special birthday
cards?" she asked. "Yes, we do," he
replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one inscribed, 'To the Boy Who
Got My Cherry.'" "Wow, neat!" she
squealed. "I'll take the whole box."
Q: Why was it difficult for
Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob
Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What is Bill's definition of
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between
Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic
Tarzan has been living alone in his jungle Kingdom for 30 years with only apes
for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex, when Jane a reporter
comes to Africa in search of this legendary figure.
Deep in the congo she comes into a clearing to discover Tarzan thrusting
vigorously into a hole in the jungle-oak.
Over come by this display of animal passion, Jane makes herself known to Tarzan
and offers herself to him. As she reclines naked on the grass; Tarzan takes a
run up and then gives her a huge boot in the crotch. She screams at him
"What the hell did you do that for!?" Tarzan replies, "Always
check for squirrels"
Three Hells Angels are sitting
at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them
and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake, the second one says, "My dad says he will marry
my mum next
Despite this, the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation, the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my
The Nun looks up from her food and sweetly says, "Would one of you bastards
please pass the salt." Submitted
There were these three women sitting on a plane.
The captain announced that the plane was going to crash.
The woman on the end of the row got out all her money and laid it out in front
The other two said "What are you doing?"
She replied, "They always find the richest first."
The second woman got out all her makeup and started to tart herself up.
The other two women asked "What are you doing?"
She replied, "They always find the prettiest first."
Now the woman sitting closest to the window was a black woman, she took off all
her clothes and sat with her legs wide open in the chair showing off her
The other two asked her, "What the hell are you doing?"
She replied, "They always find the black box first." Submitted
At a pharmacy, a blond
woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her
arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said
that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby
together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the
second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the
woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."
A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was
at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening,
in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh
yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."
"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with
them?" "Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention "Has
anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" "What's he look like?", asks one
shoddy-looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a
brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper
boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he
wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'."
A man walks into a bar. He
sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up
to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him,
looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time,
any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy
raises his eyebrows and says........."No shit, what law firm do you work
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex:
1st: Yessir, I did it three
times last night with a 30 year old!
2nd: You're kidding! I can't
even manage to do it once! What's your secret?
1st: Well, the secret is to
eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!
So the second old man rushed
to the store.
Clerk: May I help you?
Old man: Yes, I'd like four
loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.
Clerk: That's a lot of bread!
It's sure to get hard before you're done!
Old man: Damn! Does
EVERYONE know about this except me?
A new priest at his
first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he
asked the monsignor how he had done.
replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to
talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following
note on his door:
Sip the vodka, don't
There are 10
commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples,
Jesus was consecrated,
Jacob wagered his
donkey, he did not bet his ass.
We do not refer to Jesus
Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and
Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spooky.
David slew Goliath, he
did not kick the **** out of him.
When David was hit by a
rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We do not refer to the
cross as the big T!
When Jesus broke the
bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my
body", he did not say ,"Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not
referred to as the "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace
before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah
Next Sunday there will
be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.
Marilyn Monroe meet
Monica Lewinsky in Heaven. They start talking, and Marilyn says, she knows that
she is still condidered one of the worlds sex symbols. So she an
understand how a president of the United States wanted her. She asks Monica
how she could have attracted a man with such power. Monica sits quite for
a moment and calls over to Groucho Marx, "Can I borrow that
Witkin's lawyer was defending him against charged of burglary while trying this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how
you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied cleverly, "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked
A young Chinese couple
gets married. On the wedding night, the bride cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to
her and tries to be reassuring: "My daling, I know dis you fis
time and you fightened. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
anyting you want. What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she
replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef wif
broccorri? Submitted by #1 ;o)
Three chaps and a lady were
sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first one says, "I'm
a YUPPIE...you know...Young,Upwardly-mobile, Professional."
The second says, "I'm a
DINK...you know...Double Income,No Kids."
The third says, "I'm a
RUB...you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask
her, "What are you?"
I'm a WIFE" she
replies..."you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." Submitted
Man decides to change his life, leave society behind: so
he enters a nudist
On his first day he is a
bit bewildered, can't decide how to occupy himself. At least his fear
having a permanent erection has proven unfounded
The women, mostly look frumpy
without their clothes on, more sagging boobs and flabby midriffs than he
had fantasized, even the women he would have liked in his old life seem
less attractive dressed as Eve.
But what do these people do
with themselves all day, he wondered?
He also questioned whether he
was having second thoughts about his impetuous decision to come to such a life.
Visions of non-stop Bacchanalia were fading into worries about eternal boredom.
He asked one of the
guides what non beach activities were available to the residents of the colony?
He was told that there were several interesting walks in the colony's wooded
area, and he was directed to one of these.
After a few minutes walk
he came upon a small clearing and a large sign, "BEWARE
'Someone's sense of humor', he thought and carried on. But
soon he came to another sign even larger, "!!
BEWARE OF GAYS !!" This made him angry.
Things suddenly seemed no better than the cruel world he wanted to put behind
him - gay bashing.
He walked on
indignantly, but hadn't gone a hundred meters when he came to a small clearing
and yet another sign, this one on the ground and much smaller. He bent over to
read it. "YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED TWICE".
Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?
A: If they drug them
around by the feet they would fill up with mud. Submitted
Two nuns are riding their
bikes down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says,
"You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun turns
around and replies, "It's the cobblestones..." Submitted
by #1 hardy har har
Q : What do a hooker and a bungee jump have in common? A: They're both a cheap
thrill for 50 bucks, but if the rubber breaks, ... YOU'RE DEAD!
10 Reasons Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex
1. It's legal to play hockey
2. The puck is always
3. Protective equipment is
reusable and you don't even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full
5. You know you're finished
when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you
7. Periods only last 20
8. You can count on it at
least twice a week.
9. You can tell your friends
about it afterwards.
10. A two-on-one or
three-on-one is not uncommon.
A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks. "Why?" she
replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says,
"because it's burning my ass!"
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back
there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the
Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for
several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally fed up,
the Chinaman responds with his own note that says, "Use more paper on
Secret to a Happy Marriage
A couple was celebrating their
golden wedding anniversary. Their
domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper
reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My
husband quietly said 'That's
once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my
husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his
pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he
looked at me and quietly said, "That's once." Submitted
Confusing Classifieds From
Around The Nation
1 man, 7 woman hot tub --
Amana washer $100. Owned by
clean bachelor who seldom washed.
Snow blower for sale...only
used on snowy days.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box,
comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5l k, auto, excellent condition, just
Cows, calves never bred...
also 1 gay bull for sale.
Free puppies: 1/2 cocker
spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
Tired of working for only
$9.75 per hour?
We offer profit-sharing and
flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour.
Notice: To person or persons
who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return
the pumpkin and get checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in
vicinity are dead.
Exercise equipment: Queen-size
mattress & box spring - $175.
Our sofa seats the whole mob
and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
AND FINALLY... Joining nudist
colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.
"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell.
What did you do?" "I used two fingers." "What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."
i am lost
i have gone to look for myself,
if i should return, before i get back
please ask me to wait. Submitted by Woody's Mom
How blonde was she ??? She was so blonde that:
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on
...she tried to put M&M's in
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day
...she thought General Motors was in
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a
...she tried to drown a
fish. ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the
orange juice can because it said
...she got stabbed in a
...at the bottom of the application
where it says "sign here," she put
...it takes her two hours to watch
"60 Minutes". ...she studied for a blood test-and failed.
11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a
crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As
a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't
happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For an agonizing
few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching
speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The
The sexual urge of the camel
Is greater than anyone thinks.
For 'tis recorded that once in a fit of wild passion
One tried to rape the Sphinx.
But the Sphinx's posterior opening
Was clogged by the sands of the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile...
A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was
bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate
love. A gent form Florida listened incredulously. "Why that's
amazing. Where I come from there's only one way." "Just
one?", Futh asked. "And which way is that?"
"Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a
woman--" "Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"
One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised
to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living
room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in
which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their
equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman. "Sure wish
I'd been there." "You should have been," said the housewife.
"Your name came up three times.
The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a
headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in
the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally
or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the
doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the
bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked
the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. "Hit his butt
again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up
there in the first place!"
A little girl goes to the barber shop
with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his
hair cut, eating a Twinkie snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart,
you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says with an excited knowing
grin, "Oh yes sir, and I'm gonna get boobs too!..."
whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a
cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.
little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the
line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in
line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady,
we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's
nice. dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had
one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."
few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little,
old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She
looks him right in the eye and says, "As long as they keep
making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em....."
Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
so ugly... worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd
went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is
went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a
French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated
recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a
woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't
be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been
that big My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it
were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size"
replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to help
him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is.
Please pull down your pants." Gerry pulled down his pants,
the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man
said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and
told him to say 55. Gerry said "55". The doctor then
told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's
anus he once again told him to say 55. ..........Gerry said
Terms For Female
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
The father watched through
the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little
friend. Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the
little boy say: "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go
to the kitchen and find a carrot." And his daughter replied,
"Make it two. The second can be his nose."
The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some
course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to
his replies. "Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Well,
to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I
meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?"
"Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and
began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."
was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to
partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the
carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks
he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay
me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any
girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." "I'll
take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those
young, good looking chicks." "I want you."So he
took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her
back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked" I told you before.
Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their
home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a
service station to fill up the car with gas.
It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high
school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.
they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm
around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed
with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."
She smiled and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he
would be President of the United States."
police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently
three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall
building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he
approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three
beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond
answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new
maxi-pads, with wings..."
asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's
no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny'
speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy'
speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't
really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
new medical facility with several different specialists opened in
a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative,
the administration decided that each doctor's office door would,
in some way, be representative of his practice. So, when
construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole,
the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's
door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's
door was left open - just a crack.
man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in
front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!'. The
doctor thinks for a while and says to the man: 'Put your dick on
the table'! Here. The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as
the doctor said anyway. The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which
is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's
dick with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....'
and the doctor just says: 'Good, come again tomorrow and we'll
went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a
woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?"
"No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a
woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No,"
says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose
heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!"
Carlos replied. "Then tell me why," asked Armando,
"do you keep screwing my wife?"
homos were doing it in the back seat of a car, when one had to
leave temporarily to go on a job interview. "now don't
jackoff while i'm gone" he said. when he returned there was
cum all over the car. "i told you not to jackoff while i was
gone!" he exclaimed. the main rolled over on his back and
said, "I didn't, I farted!"
biggest guy in the bar shouted out, half drunk, "you all on
the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right
side are motherfuckers." suddenly a man ran from the right
to the left side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?"
the big man asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"
man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a
beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the
friend. "My wife found out..."
couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said,
"It really works!"
little boys are arguing. "My father is better than your father!" "No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!" "No he's not!" "My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My
father says the same thing."
artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in
his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and
bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a
gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would,
he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!"
the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The
guy was your doctor."
man goes to a $10 hooker and a few days later discovers he has crabs. He goes back to the hooker to complain. She asks, "What
do you expect for $10? Lobster?"
Our Holt Which art in Renfrew
Hallowed be thy Laura Ashley
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag In Harrods
As it is in Florence
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into The Bay
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Sung,
the Gucci and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
THE MEN'S PRAYER
Our beer Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the bars
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of snobby wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
Forever and ever
doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients, when he
said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should screw my own
patients.' Just then, a voice in his head said, don't worry about it, almost
all doctors screw their patients.' The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his
head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not all veterinarians.'
in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning
with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?"
Other man, "Bloody hell, no!" First man, "Want to come camping?"
90-year-old lady is going up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walks, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and yells,
"Supersex! Supersex!" She walks up to a geezer in a
wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she shouts, "Supersex!"
The geezer sits silently for a moment or two looking up at her.
Then he shudders. "Soup," he says.
Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the
urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The
Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess
with all those buttons every time you take a piss." The
sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine,all I'd have
to do is take off my hat."
The boss came in and
asked the new secretary, "Linda, do you know the difference
between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?" "No," she
replied. "Great! Let's go have lunch."
A stewardess approached
a gentleman who was voicing his complaints rather loudly. "Yes,
Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every
time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie,
and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep." To this
the stewardess replies,"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
Q: Why don't blondes in
San Francisco wear mini-skirts?
A: Their balls might hang out.
A short fellow goes up
to a ravishing beauty in a bar and asks, "Whadaya say to a
"Hello, little fuck!" she replies.
A chicken and an egg are
lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied
smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit
pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well,
I guess we answered THAT question"!
Several years ago, the
Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order
to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her
head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter
without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her
blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I
cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a
blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she
informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either,
but you still must wear a blouse to enter "this" church!"
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, when lady say maybe, she
yes, When lady say yes-she no lady!
19. Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with
solution in hand