The Jagermeister Inn
The  Joke Emporium Archive


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?!?!"

"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!"   Submitted by Delrose

Man vs Pregnant Lady

From an actual trial in London ... 

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded
a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she
began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She
moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out
laughing. 

She had him arrested for harassment and when the case
came before the court this was the man's reply when
asked why he acted in such a manner, "When the lady
boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read "Coming Soon
The Gold Dust Twins"; then she moved under one that
read "Sloan's Liniments remove Swelling". I was even
more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement,
which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could
not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement, which read "Dunlop Rubber
would have prevented this accident". 

He won the case.  Submitted by Woody

Men & Their Families

An Englishman, American, and Arabian were in a bar talking
about their families. The Englishman said, "I have ten
kids at home and if I had another one I would have a
soccer team!" "Well," said the American guy, "I have
fifteen kids at home and if I had another one I would
have a football team!" "Well," said the Arabic guy,
"I have seventeen wives at home and if I had another
one I would have a golf course."  Submitted by Woody


Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a bleach blonde have in
common?

A: They both have black boxes. 
Submitted by Woody


A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells
at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" she replies. "We don't have any money; this is a sperm bank."

"Don't you argue with me! Open the damn safe or I'll blow your friggin' head off!"

She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says "Take out one of
the bottles and drink it".

"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She takes the cap off and reluctantly gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too." he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. 

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement, it's her husband.

He says "Not that fucking difficult, is it?"  Submitted by Delrose


Tired of sitting at home every night, an ugly single
heiress decided to take out a personal ad.

"Rich, sex-crazed, admittedly not good-looking woman
wants man for quiet liaisons," she wrote, then sat by the
mailbox and waited for a response.

Lo and behold, the day after the ad appeared she
received an express-mail reply. Her heart thumping in her
throat, she tore open the envelope.

Looking on, the girl's mother asked, "So? Who's it from?"

Her expression dour, the young woman replied, "Daddy..."

Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and
gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his
fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and
jumped out of the car.
"I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!"
And I've got just tow words for you," Roger screamed back.
"Let go!"

It's good to be a guy because:

Your orgasms are real. Always.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You never feel the need to wash your underwear out simply because they
are "slightly soiled."
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. Submitted by Delrose

A man came home from work one day and gave his wife a dozen yellow roses. The next day, his wife was hanging clothes in the back garden talking to the neighbor lady over the fence. "Yesterday", says she, "the ol' man gave me a dozen yellow roses, and now I suppose he expects me to lay on my back with my legs in the air for a week!" "Why?" replied the neighbor, "don't you have a vase?" Submitted by Woody

Q: What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? 

A: They go into town, and blow a few bucks. Submitted by Woody

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex. "1956," he immediately replied. "No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more." "I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee. The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet. She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help" One of the men immediately replied, "No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?"

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, " Do you have any questions?" The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?" The madam says," The same as the short ones".

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?" "Of course not, where did you hear such that?" replied his mother. The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where have you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff - church, church, church."

A lady walks into this diner sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger.  The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

This old fellow in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife said "Where are you going ?"
He said "I'm going to the doctor."
And she said "Why, are you sick?"
"No" he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her
sweater and he said "Where are you going?"
She said "I'm going to the doctor too."
He said "Why?"
She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot..."

Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Without them they'd just talk in run-on sentences...

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my Tits. Submitted by Woody

Canadian Joke #1

 A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.  His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha got the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.  "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."  Submitted by Delrose

 Canadian Joke #2
 
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia?  The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.  Submitted by Delrose

Canadian Joke #3

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service 
for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. 
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.  Submitted by Delrose

Canadian Joke #5
 
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed one in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU COCKSUCKER!!!"  Submitted by Delrose

LADIES NIGHT 

So ... the other day, my girlfriends and I went to this "Ladies NightClub." One
of my friends wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "male
dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and pastes it on his butt
cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back
over, licks the $20 bill and pastes it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50
bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again pastes it
on one of his butt cheeks.

Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my
wallet, thought for a minute .. and then the practical woman in me took over. 
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80
bucks and went home.  Submitted by Delrose

In a little Italian village a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and she wacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could. He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped, "Why did you do that?" She replied, "That's for 50 years of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly,  husband and wife began to rock again. Then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he wacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could. When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could speak, she asked, "What was that for?" "That's for knowing the difference."  Submitted by Woody   

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Michael Jackson & Tonya Harding

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? A: She's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds!  Submitted by Woody

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.  "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.   "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.  "Face sticky."  Submitted by #1...

Ellen DeGeneres

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN

10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes


Recently my daughter asked me "Dad, do you know what the four types of orgasm are?" I didn't. "Positive, negative, religious, and fake." "Okay." I smiled, not sure I wanted to learn more. "Aren't you going to ask how to tell them apart?" "All right, how do you tell them apart?" "The positive orgasm is, 'Oh yes! Oh yes!' The negative orgasm is, 'Oh  no! Oh no!' The religious orgasm is, 'Oh God! Oh God!' And the fake orgasm is, 'Oh George! Oh George!'"

At his wedding reception, the young groom's granddad congratulated his grandson and said, "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to  try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has." Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, "What is sex like then when you get older, granddad?" His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and replied, "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

A woman dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter.              There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream! "What was that?" she asks. "Oh, don't worry about that," says Saint Peter, "It's just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo." A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before. "What was that?!"            she asked anxiously. "Oh ,don't worry," says Saint Peter soothingly, "It's just someone getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings." The lady starts to back away. "Where are you going?" asks Saint Peter. "I think I'll go downstairs, if it's all the same to you," says the woman. "But you can't go there," says the saint, "You'll be raped and sodomized!" "It's OK," says the lady, "I've              already got the holes for that."  Submitted by Woody

To the blonde he said "I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?" The blonde replied, "For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500." 
To the Redhead he asked the same question. She replied "I will spend all the time you want for $1,000." To the Brunette: When he approached the brunette he asked the same question and she said, "If you can raise my skirt as high as you've raised my taxes and can get your pants as low as my wages and get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won't cost you a damn thing!"


Signs That You Are Broke
American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 
Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 
You rob Peter and then rob Paul
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 
Your bologna has no first name. 
You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice. 
Sally Struthers sends you food. 
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.


A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that too."     The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"     The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, ... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"


Q. What do you call a man in a tiger's cage?
 A. Claude


A girl goes to the doctor and takes off her shirt to be examined. On her chest she has a huge red "H."  The doctor asks, "How did you get that red 'H' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Harvard and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."              
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and has a huge blue "Y" on her chest. The doctor asks, "How did you get that blue 'Y' on your chest?" and the girl replies, "My boyfriend goes to Yale and he's so proud of his school that he never takes off his sweatshirt, even when we're making love."              
So the next day the doctor has to examine another girl and she takes off her shirt and she has a huge green "M" on her chest. The doctor asks, "Do you have a boyfriend who goes to Michigan?" and the girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"  Submitted by Woody


A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate. 
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol.  Then he went home to try the doctor's advice. When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed... naked!  So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her.  Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol. 
The next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results.  He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" Submitted by Rockee


Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his new bride. "What's the problem?", asked the lawyer. "I want to hit that adulterin' witch for breach of contract," says the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said the lawyer.  "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property; you don't own her." "Damn right," the tycoon replied, "but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin' rights!


A fellow talking to his friend says, "How can I tell if my girl is a virgin ?" Friend tells him, "You have to wait till you wedding night, you show it to her and ask what it is. If she calls it a penis, she's a virgin. If she says it's a cock, she's been around." So the guy gets married, and in the hotel room he flips it out to her and says "What is this?" "That's a penis!" she replies. "Great," he sighs, "I thought you were going to call it a cock." "Of course not! A cock is twice as big!!"


A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end  of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then said, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."


The popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card shop, looked around, then approached the clerk. "Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?" she asked.     "Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's a new one inscribed, 'To the Boy Who Got My Cherry.'"     "Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."


Q: Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
A: He couldn't giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on
first.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic

Tarzan has been living alone in his jungle Kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex, when Jane a reporter comes to Africa in search of this legendary figure. 
Deep in the congo she comes into a clearing to discover Tarzan thrusting vigorously into a hole in the jungle-oak. 
Over come by this display of animal passion, Jane makes herself known to Tarzan and offers herself to him. As she reclines naked on the grass; Tarzan takes a run up and then gives her a huge boot in the crotch. She screams at him "What the hell did you do that for!?" Tarzan replies, "Always check for squirrels"


Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them say's, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got rat-arsed."              Being quick on the uptake, the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mum next year."              Despite this, the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation, the third one says, "My old man will never ever marry my mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and sweetly says, "Would one of you bastards please pass the salt." Submitted by Woody


There were these three women sitting on a plane.
The captain announced that the plane was going to crash. 
The woman on the end of the row got out all her money and laid it out in front of her. 
The other two said "What are you doing?"              
She replied, "They always find the richest first."              
The second woman got out all her makeup and started to tart herself up. 
The other two women asked "What are you doing?"
She replied, "They always find the prettiest first."
Now the woman sitting closest to the window was a black woman, she took off all her clothes and sat with her legs  wide open in the chair showing off her pussy. 
The other two asked her, "What the hell are you doing?"
She replied, "They always find the black box first." Submitted by Woody


At a pharmacy, a blond woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.  The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. "It won't work," countered the woman.  "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt."


A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened ?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks." "Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, . . . I charged one and let the other off."


A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" "What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy. "Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket." "So what's he wanted for?", asks the same cowboy. "Rustlin'."


A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?" She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me." The guy raises his eyebrows and says........."No shit, what law firm do you work for?"


Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old! 

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret? 

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! 

So the second old man rushed to the store. 

Clerk: May I help you? 

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. 

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done! 

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

 If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 

There are 10 commandments, not 12. 

There are 12 disciples, not 10. 

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spooky. 

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him. 

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 

We do not refer to the cross as the big T! 

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say ,"Eat me." 

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry." 

The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Submitted by #1...


Marilyn Monroe meet Monica Lewinsky in Heaven. They start talking, and Marilyn says, she knows that she is still condidered one of the worlds sex symbols. So she  an understand how a president of the United States wanted her. She asks Monica how  she could have attracted a man with such power. Monica sits quite for a moment and  calls over to Groucho Marx, "Can I borrow that Cigar?"


Witkin's lawyer was defending him against charged of burglary while trying this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied cleverly, "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled.  With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.


A young Chinese couple gets married.  On the wedding night, the   bride cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.   He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:   "My daling, I know dis you fis time and you fightened.  I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want.  What you want?" "I wanna numma 69" she replies. He looks at her very puzzled and says, "You wanna beef wif broccorri?  Submitted by #1 ;o)


Three chaps and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions. 

The first one says, "I'm a YUPPIE...you know...Young,Upwardly-mobile, Professional."

The second says, "I'm a DINK...you know...Double Income,No Kids." 

The third says, "I'm a RUB...you know...Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"

I'm a WIFE" she replies..."you know...Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc." Submitted by Woody


Man decides to change his life, leave society behind: so he enters a nudist colony.

 On his first day he is a bit bewildered,  can't decide how to occupy himself. At least his fear of              having a permanent erection has proven unfounded

The women, mostly look frumpy without their clothes on, more sagging boobs  and flabby midriffs than he had fantasized, even the women he  would have liked in his old life seem less attractive dressed as Eve.

But what do these people do with themselves all day, he wondered?

He also questioned whether he was having second thoughts about his impetuous decision to come to such a life. Visions of non-stop Bacchanalia were fading into worries about eternal boredom.

He asked one of the guides what non beach activities were available to the residents of the colony? He was told that there were several interesting walks in the colony's wooded area, and he was directed to one of these.

After a few minutes walk he came upon a small clearing and a large sign, "BEWARE OF GAYS".              'Someone's sense of humor', he thought and carried on. But soon he came to another sign even larger,    "!! BEWARE OF GAYS !!"  This made him angry. Things suddenly seemed no better than the cruel world he wanted to put behind him - gay bashing.

He walked on indignantly, but hadn't gone a hundred meters when he came to a small clearing and yet another sign, this one on the ground and much smaller. He bent over to read it. "YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED TWICE". Submitted by Woody


Q: Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?

A: If they drug them around by the feet they would fill up with mud. Submitted by Woody


Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.  One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before." The other nun turns around and replies, "It's the cobblestones..." Submitted by #1 hardy har har


Q : What do a hooker and a bungee jump have in common? A: They're both a cheap thrill for 50 bucks, but if the rubber breaks, ... YOU'RE DEAD!


10 Reasons Why Hockey Is Better Than Sex   

1. It's legal to play hockey professionally.   

2. The puck is always hard.   

3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don't even have to wash it.   

4. It lasts a full hour.   

5. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.   

6. Your parents cheer when you score.   

7. Periods only last 20 minutes.   

8. You can count on it at least twice a week.   

9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.   

10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her. "Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks. "Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?" "No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"


A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry.  When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties." This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. Finally fed up, the Chinaman responds with his own note that says, "Use more paper on ass." Submitted by Rockee


Secret to a Happy Marriage

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well,  it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.'  We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband promptly removed a revolver from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, "That's once." Submitted by Woody


Confusing Classifieds From Around The Nation 

1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer 

Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. 

Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days. 

Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5l k, auto, excellent condition, just $6800 

Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale. 

Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? 

We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7-$9 per hour. 

Notice: To person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and get checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead. 

Exercise equipment: Queen-size mattress & box spring - $175. 

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather. 

AND FINALLY... Joining nudist colony, must sell washer & dryer - $300.


"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?" "I used two fingers." "What for?" "I needed a second opinion."


i am lost
i have gone to look for myself,
if i should return, before i get back
please ask me to wait. Submitted by Woody's Mom


How blonde was she ??? She was so blonde that: 

...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.   

...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.   

...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.   

...she thought General Motors was in the army.   

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.   

...she tried to drown a fish.   ...she tripped over a cordless phone.   

...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice      can because it said concentrate.   

...she got stabbed in a shoot-out. 

...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign      here," she put Sagittarius.   

...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".   ...she studied for a blood test-and failed.


11 women were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.  If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.  For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others. The blondes applauded.


The sexual urge of the camel
Is greater than anyone thinks.
For 'tis recorded that once in a fit of wild passion
One tried to rape the Sphinx.

But the Sphinx's posterior opening 
Was clogged by the sands of the Nile 
Which accounts for the hump on the camel 
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile...


A man from Bangladesh named Abdul was bragging that in his country there is 79 different ways to make mad passionate love. A gent form Florida listened incredulously.  "Why that's amazing.  Where I come from there's only one way." "Just one?", Futh asked.  "And which way is that?" "Well," the Florida gent began, "there's a man and there's a woman--" "Praise Allah!!", exclaims Abdul, "Number 80!"


One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.  The housewife explained that she'd had a party then night before in which the company played "Who's Whose" - each of the men had put their equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity. "Gee, that sounds like fun," said the milkman.  "Sure wish I'd been there." "You should have been," said the housewife. "Your name came up three times.


The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was  climbing into bed  when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a  headache."  "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the  bathroom powdering my  dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a  suppository, it's up to  you!"


An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks  to deliver a baby. It  was so far out, there was no electricity. When the  doctor arrived, no one  was home except for the laboring mother and her  5-year-old child. The  doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high  so he could see, while  he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did  so, the mother pushed  and after a little while, the doctor lifted the  newborn baby by the feet  and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his  first breath. The  doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of  the baby.  "Hit his butt again," the 5-year-old said. "He  shouldn't have crawled up  there in the first place!"


A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a Twinkie snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says with an excited knowing grin, "Oh yes sir, and I'm gonna get boobs too!..."


A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice. dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too."

A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right in the eye and says, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em....."


Q: What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs


RODNEY DANGERFIELD

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I'm so ugly... worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size" replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"


A man, named Gerry, asked his doctor if there was a test to help him determine if he was gay. The Doctor said "Yes, there is. Please pull down your pants." Gerry pulled down his pants, the doctor grabbed his testicles and told him to say 55. The man said "55." The doctor then grabbed the man's penis and told him to say 55. Gerry said "55". The doctor then told the man to turn around, and putting a finger in the man's anus he once again told him to say 55. ..........Gerry said "1...2...3..."


Terms For Female Masturbation:
5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Butter schlopping
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'


The father watched through the window as his young daughter made a snowman with a little friend. Entertained by the sight, he went closer and heard the little boy say: "I've got an idea. To finish it off, I'll go to the kitchen and find a carrot." And his daughter replied, "Make it two. The second can be his nose."


The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be paying only half attention to his replies. "Are you feeling OK?" he asked. "Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet," she admitted. "Is there a name for my condition?" "Why yes, there is," he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. "It's called 'Good News'."


Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." "I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you."So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked" I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."


Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas.

It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smiled and replied, "No. If I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."


A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."


Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"


Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area.
The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense.
"They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe.
"It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE."


A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice. So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colors, and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.


A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!'. The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man: 'Put your dick on the table'! Here. The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway. The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....' and the doctor just says: 'Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!'


Armando went to his neighbor and asked, "Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?" "No," says Carlos. Armando asks, "Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?" "No," says Carlos. "Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?" "Caramba! No, amigo!" Carlos replied. "Then tell me why," asked Armando, "do you keep screwing my wife?"


Two homos were doing it in the back seat of a car, when one had to leave temporarily to go on a job interview. "now don't jackoff while i'm gone" he said. when he returned there was cum all over the car. "i told you not to jackoff while i was gone!" he exclaimed. the main rolled over on his back and said, "I didn't, I farted!"


The biggest guy in the bar shouted out, half drunk, "you all on the left side of the bar are cocksuckers and you all on the right side are motherfuckers." suddenly a man ran from the right to the left side of the bar. "Where are you going, squirt?" the big man asked. "I was on the wrong side of the bar, sir!"


A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."


A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, "It really works!"


Two little boys are arguing. "My father is better than your father!" "No he's not!" "My brother is better than your brother!" "No he's not!" "My mother is better than your mother!" The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."


An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor."


A man goes to a $10 hooker and a few days later discovers he has crabs. He goes back to the hooker to complain. She asks, "What do you expect for $10? Lobster?"


THE WOMEN'S PRAYER

Our Holt Which art in Renfrew
Hallowed be thy Laura Ashley
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag In Harrods
As it is in Florence
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into The Bay
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Sung,
the Gucci and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
Amex


THE MEN'S PRAYER
Our beer Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy drink
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the bars
Forgive us this day our daily spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of snobby wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The ale and the lager
Forever and ever
Barmen


A doctor had just finished screwing one of his patients, when he said to himself, 'you know, its not right I should screw my own patients.'  Just then, a voice in his head said, don't worry about it, almost all doctors screw their patients.' The doctor felt a little bit better, until another voice in his head said, 'yeah, but they're probably not all veterinarians.'


Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?"  Other man, "Bloody hell, no!" First man, "Want to come camping?"


A 90-year-old lady is going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walks, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and yells, "Supersex! Supersex!" She walks up to a geezer in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she shouts, "Supersex!" The geezer sits silently for a moment or two looking up at her. Then he shudders. "Soup," he says.


A Marine walks in the restroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal, fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, "It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you take a piss." The sailor replies, "Yes it is! If I were a Marine,all I'd have to do is take off my hat."


The boss came in and asked the new secretary, "Linda, do you know the difference between a Caesar Salad and a blow job?" "No," she replied. "Great! Let's go have lunch."


A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complaints rather loudly. "Yes, Sir?" "I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep." To this the stewardess replies,"Captain, shut up and land the plane."


Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear mini-skirts?
A: Their balls might hang out.


A short fellow goes up to a ravishing beauty in a bar and asks, "Whadaya say to a little fuck?"
"Hello, little fuck!" she replies.


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question"!


Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informed her that she could not enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter "this" church!" he insists.


CONFUCIUS SAY

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.

2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly.

6. Man with holes in pants pockets, feels cocky all day.

7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone.

9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk.

12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

18. When lady say no, she mean maybe, when lady say maybe, she mean
yes, When lady say yes-she no lady!

19. Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with
solution in hand